Why Christian Couples in Minnesota Should Consider Premarital Counseling — And Why Most Don't

You are engaged. You love each other. You both love God. And everyone around you seems to agree that you are a great match.

So why would you need premarital counseling?

That is the question most couples quietly ask — and never say out loud. And it is exactly the right place to start.

The most common reason couples skip premarital counseling

Most Christian couples who skip premarital counseling are not being careless. They are being optimistic. They are not in crisis. They are not fighting constantly. They do not feel like they need help — and in one sense, they are right. Premarital counseling is not for couples who are struggling. It is for couples who want to build something that lasts.

The distinction matters. Therapy and counseling are often associated with problems — you go when something is broken. But premarital counseling is preparation, not repair. It is the difference between building a house on solid ground and building a house and hoping the ground holds.

Psalm 127:1 says it plainly: "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain." That verse is not just about spiritual intention. It is about what it actually takes to build something that survives the storms. And storms will come — not because your marriage is weak, but because that is what life does.

"We're going to do it with our pastor"

This is one of the most common responses — and it is a good one. Pastoral premarital counseling is valuable, and a pastor who knows you and your faith community brings something a therapist cannot fully replicate. If your pastor is willing and able to walk you through marriage preparation, that is genuinely worth pursuing.

But there are some honest realities worth naming here.

Most pastors are not trained counselors. They are trained theologians, preachers, and shepherds — and that training is enormously valuable. But clinical counseling requires a different and specific skill set. Identifying communication patterns, assessing compatibility across key domains, facilitating honest conversations about conflict, finances, family of origin, and expectations — these are clinical competencies, not just pastoral ones.

Most pastors are also busy. A pastor who genuinely wants to walk a couple through thorough premarital preparation often does not have the time to do it well. What ends up happening is a few conversations that scratch the surface — which is better than nothing, but not the same as a structured, research-based process.

And there is a confidentiality dynamic worth considering. Many couples feel a subtle hesitation about being fully honest with their pastor — the person who will marry them, who knows their families, who they will see every Sunday. And it can limit what actually gets addressed in the process.

Proverbs 11:14 says that in the multitude of counselors there is safety. The pastoral relationship and the clinical relationship are not in competition — they serve different functions and they work well together. Many couples work with both.

What premarital counseling actually is

Premarital counseling with a licensed therapist is a structured, research-based process designed to help couples understand each other more deeply before they make a lifelong commitment. It is not about finding problems that don’t exist. It is about creating clarity — about each other's values, expectations, communication styles, family backgrounds, and the assumptions that each person is bringing into the marriage without knowing it.

Every couple enters marriage with a set of unexamined beliefs about what marriage is supposed to look like — beliefs shaped by their family of origin, their culture, their church, and their own experience. Premarital counseling creates a structured space to examine those beliefs together, before they become the source of conflict.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 describes the marriage covenant as a cord of three strands — husband, wife, and God woven together. That cord does not become strong automatically. It is built intentionally, over time, through the work of knowing each other and choosing each other with full awareness.

What does this look like?

At Glad Oaks Counseling, premarital counseling is available via telehealth for couples across Minnesota. Sessions are designed to give you a structured, honest, and Scripturally grounded space to prepare well — not just for the wedding, but for the marriage.

In Article 2 of this series, we will look at a specific tool that makes the premarital counseling process significantly more effective: the Prepare/Enrich assessment — what it is, what it measures, and why it is the gold standard in premarital preparation.